Not-So-Happily Ever After

(here.)

Vancouver-based photographer with a very, very great series on what happens after "they lived happily ever after."  (via.)

Puppy - 7 wks

January

I've been thinking a lot about January lately.

It seems like December is always a rough month for me and I don't know why.  I always want to end the year with a bang but something (seemingly) disastrous happens and I somehow survive the end of the year and make it to the next.  This year is not that catastrophic, and it will be the month this year where I have a new addition to the family.... but December exhausts me.

And so I've already been considering January and 2011.  I think I want to make 2011 a year of health: Physical health, mental health, financial health.

In January, physical health will be my shoulder surgery and beginning the long process back to full shoulder mobility; mental health will be re-reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and possibly putting my own happiness project to work... I've already started it but need to implement more; and financial health will be re-implementing "No Buy Month."

For "No Buy Month" I'm not allowed to purchase anything that I don't need.  Since it will be after the holidays, I will allow myself to spend gift cards, but aside from food, bills, puppy products & household necessities, I will not be making any unnecessary purchases with my paycheck.  I realized today that I can have all of my debt paid off in under two years while greatly increasing my retirement accounts if I just get serious about it.  I have a goal to have $100,000 in retirement by the time I'm 30, but at this rate it definitely won't be happening.  I need to stop flaking and purchasing unnecessary items and get my act together!

So there it is... now I have something to look forward to while I finish out the last two weeks of an absolutely miserable month. And hopefully will be getting puppy on Saturday!  Co-worker said he's drinking water and eating solid food, so he's ready to go!!

The courage of the seed

(source)

"As a seed buried in the earth cannot imagine itself as an orchid or hyacinth, neither can a heart packed with hurt imagine itself loved or at peace. The courage of the seed is that once cracking, it cracks all the way." - Mark Nepo

"Ruin in the road to transformation." - Eat, Pray, Love

I "liked" this Tiny Buddha post (Finding Joy in the Ruins of a Crushed Dream) on Google Reader yesterday, not knowing that a mere twelve hours later as I bawled my eyes out to one of my best friends--who just happened to be visiting for the night-- that I could take a ton of wisdom from the post.

I have learned so many lessons from this experience. Here are the top four I’d like to share:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Sometimes, things have to get a whole lot worse before they can get a whole lot better.
3. You create your world with what you choose to think, say, and do.
4. ‘Ruin is the road to transformation.’

December just doesn't seem to be my month... ever.  But I survived the last one, I will survive this one.  I've prayed for so long asking for a sign or for anything, and last night I got my big, blinking neon sign.  Message received.

12. Keep it simple.

12. Keep it simple.

Often times I find myself making everything too complicated.  Complication is not synonymous with better.  

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” - Hans Hofmann

Changes.

I think about my future puppy all the time.

For awhile I thought it was a little pathetic.  And I guess to outsiders, it probably is.  But the truth of the matter is, I've made a completely life changing decision.  This isn't a haircut, a new diet or even a new apartment... he is a living, breathing thing that needs the be cared for and loved.  This is over a decade of commitment. I will no longer be able to just leave for the night or weekend.  I can't stay out too late after work.  I will have something waiting at home, depending on me and relying on me to be there. But on the other side, I will have something to go home to.  I'll have a pet that gives me unconditional love.  It's a big commitment, but for the past 6 months plus I've thought about it and considered it, and now it's finally becoming real.

So like I said, I think about my puppy all the time.  When I go to Target and see small fleece blankets on sale, 2 for $5, I think, "Blankets are on my puppy list."  When I see special Christmas toys, I think, "Toys are on my puppy list."  I read nutrition info on dog food/treats and wander around the pet store.  I research (and have since purchased) different collar/leash/harness ensembles. I check the price of Greenies and check how big a litre food bowl really is.  I think about things like making sure my future pet gets enough calcium and vitamin D after he comes home with me. This is becoming very, very real.

And I know I sounds mostly crazy, because I don't yet have the pup.  But it's a huge change for me and my life, and being the perfectionist I am, I want to make sure I am completely ready.  And I think I will be within the next month when he's ready to come home with me.

I've been told he's mischievous.  He manages to get himself into places he can't get out of yet because his eyes still aren't open.  He's an only child (his littermates died after a few days) so he's spoiled by of all six adult dogs he lives with.  He likes to sing in the morning and cries when he's left alone at night.  He's a tiny guy with his own, very vibrant personality.

So it's a big life change, but one I can't wait to embark on.

My little guy!

At two weeks... He's so tiny!!

Big News

I'm getting a puppy!!

(not my dog.)

He is a Shih Tzu, white with black spots that I've been told will fade after the puppy stage and he will end up being mostly white.  Since he was only born last Monday, it'll be another 6 or 7 weeks before he's ready.  She thinks I'll be able to take him before Christmas, which would be perfect because it will allow me a lot of bonding time with the little guy over the holidays!

Tuesday.

I went back and read some of my old journals today... my really old ones.

It makes me sad that the writer I was then has completely disappeared.  The girl I was then managed to make me feel things I haven't felt in 7 years... I could remember exactly what I was feeling as I wrote each entry so long ago. The beauty of the human body is that although it can remember pain, it can never again feel that again.  I can remember that it hurt, but I can't remember the exact feeling.  I don't know where that girl went... who can remind me of pain so many years later, but I would guess that sometime over the past 6-7 years she grew up.

I couldn't stop crying tonight... yes, my old self was worried about typical teenage things like image, college, school and boys (and yes, in that order)... but when I wrote about things like "Stacy is still alive" as something I was grateful for that day and "Stacy is feeling better despite chemo" and "Stacy graduated today!" it absolutely breaks my heart. At the time, I considered her a really good friend and now I don't even think about it... or her. She was the first friend of mine to pass away and I feel ashamed of myself that I give the insignificant things in my life more than the the girl who helped remind me to be more thankful for every day at that point in my life.

Even though, in many ways, I was so much more shallow then, I was also so much more grateful.  I believed in life, I believed in love, I believed in every day and I believed in God.  When did I lose myself?

Franklin Be Present Necklace, by Jess LC

love.

here.  (via dailycandy)

11. Smile and laugh often.

11. Smile and laugh often.

As I mentioned in my previous post, this goes hand-in-hand with number 10.  Part of the way I'll try and lighten up is to find reasons to smile and laugh often.  Not just once in awhile.  I used to work with a girl who had this laugh that you could hear across the room, and not in a bad way. It made the whole room light up when she would laugh... which she often did because she was able to appreciate the little things.

So when something is funny, I will make the conscious effort to laugh out loud instead of giggle to myself.  When something makes me happy, I will smile whether or not anyone sees it.  I want there to be happiness and joy in the small things.

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy." - Thich Nhat Hanh

10. Lighten up.

10. Lighten up.

I've always been a fairly serious person... I have a difficult time taking jokes or finding the time to laugh, especially when stressed out or feeling pressure in some way.  So this is to remind me that life isn't serious... it's supposed to be full of mistakes, whimsy & laughter.  It's not about the destination but the journey, after all.

My 11th commandment goes hand-in-hand with this one, so I'll explore it a little more in the next post.  In the meantime, a quote from a song I've never listened to, but a friend of mine years ago used to say this all the time...

The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
- Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

9. Cultivate a sense of wonder.

9. Cultivate a sense of wonder.

"Anything looked at closely becomes wonderful." - A. R. Ammons

I feel that all too often I'm so absorbed in my daily life I fail to see all that is wonderful and amazing in the world. From simple things like the color purple and an act of kindness, to more momentous things such as natural/man-made wonders or the feeling of pure joy.  There are wonders everywhere, and I don't want to rush through life and fail to appreciate and enjoy them.  So number nine is to cultivate that sense of wonder, to find beauty and amazement every day.

"Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury

8. Do the right thing.

8. Do the right thing.

"Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Ever since the first time I heard this quote on the GOF trailer, it has given me chills because it is so true.  We all have choices every day where we either make the right choice or the easy choice... I want to always do the right thing, no matter how difficult that might be for me.

7. Choose a positive thought.

7. Choose a positive thought.

I'd like to think that for the most part I'm a pretty happy person, but at times I can be pretty negative and take a more pessimistic view.  I recently chose a new mantra that I posted on my monitor at work and wrote on my bathroom mirror... When things are feeling overwhelming, I just repeat to myself, "I will be grateful for this day."

I don't want the thoughts I send out into the universe to be negative, because negativity only breeds more negativity.  So when I'm feeling down or frustrated, I try and choose a positive thought.  And let it go...

"Like attracts like. Whatever the conscious mind thinks and believes the subconscious identically creates." - Brian Adams, How to Succeed

6. Be the change.

6. Be the change.

This comes from the well-know Gandhi quote: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

All too often I sit around waiting for other people to make changes that I'd like to see in the world.  This commandment is my reminder that no one else is going to do it if I don't.  I need to be my own change.

5. Look up.

5. Look up.

Number four has two parts.  The first is to remind myself to not focus so much on the task at hand. I know, I know... it seems completely counter-intuitive to tell myself to "be present" and then include this.  Yes, I want to be present in the moment, yet I also don't want to become some consumed by the task at hand that I forget to look up and see the stars.

The second part is that over the past several years (or so), I've had an internal battle with myself about things like faith, God and religion.  It's not really a secret to anyone that I have my issues and my doubts about things, wherever they may have come from, this also reminds me to thank someone up there/out there.  Whether it be God, the universe, karma, or any other force unknown... 

“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.” - Henry Van Dyke

Oz

I am interrupting my happiness project lists in order to say I will be gone for awhile... in Australia!

4. Slow down.

4. Slow down.

For me this is all about taking the time to slow down and smell the flowers, so to speak.  Or notice the color purple.  Or any of those things I never take the time to do because I'm in such a hurry to get from point a to point b.  So this is my reminder to take a deep breath and slow down.

"Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you." - John De Paola

3. Just breathe.

3. Just breathe.

So this one is coming quite a bit later than I had intended after a crazy 10 days, but this one goes along with "Be present." This is to remind myself to take a deep breath and remember that everything will be okay when I am feeling frantic, stressed out or overwhelmed.

"There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside." - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

2. Be present.

2. Be present.

Now I am the first to admit that I'm not always in the present moment so this is to remind me to pay attention.  The moment is fleeting.

Lately I've become fascinated with the ancient Greek concept of Kairos (καιρός), or the supreme moment... an undetermined moment in time when something special happens.

If I'm not present, how will I recognize that moment?

1. Always shine.

1. Always shine.

My number one person commandment.  My version of "Be Gretchen."

I understand that saying to "always shine" is not quite the same thing as telling yourself to always be true to yourself... but in a way, it is for me.  It reminds me that there's that inner fire I've been missing that should always be shining and showing the outside world who I am.  And if it's not shining, it reminds me to "fake it till I make it."

Now to end with an often mis-attributed quote I love from Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Happiness Project

I can't sleep again... that seems to be the norm these days.  But at least I'm able to be productive tonight.

Right now I'm researching food and healthier lifestyle diets.  Today I finally lost my 10th lb and am back to a weight I haven't been since college.  My clothes fit, I feel better, I look better... it feels good.  It took me about 6 weeks (a little over 1.5 lbs a week) and it was definitely a struggle because of my shoulder.  My shoulder, neck and back have been bothering me a lot lately so I have tried to chance my eating to account for lack of exercise.

(source)

I also feel like my own personal happiness project is starting to get underway.  I came up with 16 personal commandments which I'll try to outline here over the next few weeks.  Each of them is important to me for different reasons and each say something in the person I think I am and the person I want to be.  That's as far as I've gotten... and it's even taken me several months to get this far.  Maybe I'll re-read the book and progress further in my own project with resolutions and secrets of adulthood, but for now I feel that this is enough.  Just reminding myself of these... it changes me.

The Fear

"I've been having The Fear lately, which I find is quite different from The Panics. The Panics just make me run around, "Ah! Ah! Ah! What if! What if! Shaky hands! Shaky heart."


But The Fear is a real b*tch. It just sits there in front of your path like a boulder, and says, "I'm not going to move AT ALL, because god only knows what's on the other side." So then you just have to sit there, puzzling how to get around it."

(via Peonies and Polaroids)

Summer.

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea." - Isak Dinesan

(via)

SOCO is back!

Someone please buy me this shirt.

(via)

Thoughts v 2.0

So after all my obsessing over birdcages, I stopped at Garden Ridge this past weekend and found the perfect one for a mere $14 including tax (instead of the $50+ ones I'd been eying!).   Here it is:

It's perfect. :)

In other news, I feel like every time I start to get ahead something gets in the way.  I had finally managed to get a positive net worth... and now I'm back at -$3,000.  I finally appear to be making headway on my retirement savings and student loan repayment... and I get huge setback.  I want to do so much... yet I feel stressed out all the time about money.  Sigh.  I guess this is the real world.

Timeout Tuesday

Still looking for a birdcage... and a LOT of other things for my new apartment.  While searching birdcages on Etsy today, ran across these beautiful birdcage related works of art.

(Twisting vines birdhouse, sculpture)

(Flown, print)

(Bread and Butterfly, sculpture)

(Choose Hope, print)

Birdcages

I have been thinking about adding a birdcage to the hook already in my new living room.  Here are a couple of my favorites so far...

(from Anthropologie)

(from Seaglass Vintage's Etsy)

Kor Hydration Vessels

I have to confess.  I don't yet own one of these Kor Hydration Vessels, but I did buy one for my sister.  She got the Orchid Pink - Global Water Crisis, but I personally would love this Sunrise Orange - Container Recycling.  The cap features great little changeable quotes like, "Better Me, Better World" and "Laugh Often."

Right now, I have a 15% off coupon code for anyone who is interested in one these bottles.  All you have to do is enter code: KWS-12380 at checkout at the Kor Water!

(via Kor Water)

Live What You Love

Newest addition to my wall decor... hopefully it comes in soon!

(from Hijirik Studio)

Carol Hannah - Wedding Collection

One of my favorite designers from Project Runway Season 6, Carol Hannah Whitfield, released her first wedding dress collection.  The Anson Street Dress is my favorite from that collection, but she also has a ready to wear shop on etsy which she'll hopefully get back to designing for soon!

(from Carol Hannah via DailyCandy)

A couple more decor items I love...

Sometimes I think to myself that it'd be nice to have a better eye for design, but then again, part of the fun in my decorating is the eclectic-ness  of what I own.  So onto a few more if-money-were-no-object items I found that I would find some way to incorporate...

Midsummer Night's Wallpaper, Anthropologie

Louis XVI Oval Back Side Chair, Ballard Designs

All Around the World Shade, Anthropologie

Louis Ghost Armchair

(from DWR via Mrs. Blandings)

Kate Spade iPhone cover

I'm not in the market for an iPhone case at the moment as I just created one myself that I love... but if I were I'd definitely pick this Kate Spade cover.

(via.)

Princess Grace

Ran across this photo of Princess Grace of Monaco today while reading about her life and her life with Ranier III.  I'm fascinated by the stories and am truly curious what caused her to give up life as she knew it to marry a man (a prince!) who proposed after three days. Of all the photos I ran across today, I think I find this royal portrait the most stunning.

(via.)

Blair Grey

Found this beautiful floor lamp from Jeffan International that closely resembles my shower curtain on Hautelook today.  Now if only I could actually afford it!

Also found at Amazon.

A movie about butter?

Butter.  Coming soon to a theatre near you.

Via.

Star-crossed

(En Pointe Photography)

Unhappy

It's almost 1 a.m. and I can't sleep because my shoulder is bothering me so much... I tried heat, I tried ice and finally resorted to Advil about 10 mins ago. If it's going to work, it hasn't started yet.

I can already tell it's going to be a long, frustrating night and tomorrow is going to be a miserable day.

Storm Photos - Mike Hollingshead

Gorgeous photography from stormchaser Mike Hollingshead.

(via Black Eiffel)

Google Maps Envelopes

Neat Google Maps Envelope by Rahul Mahtani & Yofred Molk

(via Black Eiffel)

World Map

Really neat world map. Pins for trip planning included.

from you and me the royal we (via Daily Candy)

Book covers

from Book City Jackets (via Daily Candy)

Sky blue

Love this shirt from Anthro... may go pick up thanks to a birthday coupon!

Love & Luck

Loving this Love & Luck necklace from Dogeared. Lucky for me I have a coupon that will make it a little more affordable for me.

It's been well over a year...

But today I got a new library card!! YAY! Here are the books I checked out:

The nearest branch is absolutely gorgeous, its in a renovated, old house and all the different sections are in separate rooms... kids downstairs, fiction in one, cooking/workout/self-help in another. I loved wandering around and just browsing the books.

Yesterday I started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I was instantly hooked because I could so easily relate. Just like the author, there is nothing wrong with my life... I have a good job, friends, a wonderful family and for the most part, I am happy. But I could be happier. I am afraid that sometimes I have a very negative (albeit realistic) perception of the world around me and I'd like to put a little more sunshine in my every day life.

First project is to finally get serious about my 2010 research project of folklore/myth/fantasy. As I was browsing Amazon today for books I realized that I really didn't want to buy them all... enter the SAPL where I got a library card. And 5 books. Happy day.

Then I will start my own happiness project... to focus on areas of improvement and growth. Maybe it will take me 9 months of research like the author and it becomes a project of 2011. Until then I will do my research, chip away at my "for fun" reading list of books that look interesting I've collected, and begin to declutter in order to move.

Cute tableware

Precious swimmer glasses that would look great out on a patio for a hot summer day.

(source)

Candle on a cupcake

I love birthday month for all the discounts! Got this sweet card and necklace in the mail today...


-- Post From My iPhone

End of February

"If you love somebody, you have to love all of them... not just the parts that are easy to love." - Valentine's Day

Had a wonderful, wonderful weekend. The hockey team won. The Spurs beat the Suns (although I must admit I love their jerseys... PHX in the front of an orange and grey jersey. I'm not a Suns fan but I could become one for that jersey). I got to spend time with an old friend or two and made several new ones. I found a wonderful non-smoking bar. To top it all off I went to see Valentine's Day... I laughed a lot, I felt a little sad at times, but if feels good to know that I haven't lost all hope. That I can still watch a romantic movie and feel hopeful. I'll take that as a good sign.

Tomorrow starts March... the month of my birthday and favorite holiday. This week I will be travelling a lot... flying home Tuesday and then heading to Austin on Friday. The weather has warmed up and I'm happy that I'm not having to run in below freezing temperatures.

It was a good week :)

Dreaming about a new car...

Sometime in the next several years I'm expecting my poor little car to poop out on me. Hopefully it won't, but it's always a possibility. I really need to save up at least a couple thousand dollars before then for a down payment... hopefully it'll be more like 5 years from now, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm also shooting for a good used vehicle so save a lot of extra on car payments.

At any rate, the Ford Fusion Hybrid is what I'm eying right now. I really love my car now, which is a Ford, and this one appears to be doing really well so far!

Silence

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

- 1 Corinthians 13:7

I feel incredibly down right now. There's no reason for it... I had a good day at work, I'm feeling optimistic about the future. But I heard from him yesterday and I responded badly. Even though I waited hours to allow my self some time to calm down and think about it, I will still angry and bitter in my response. Even worse is that I haven't heard back... I never do. Its always a hard reminder that I really don't matter.

After two years I would have thought I deserved more than repeated silence, but I didn't even get a real breakup or a real goodbye.... so I don't know why I should continually hope for more.

I guess I can count this as further proof that I can stop holding my breath and start getting on with my life. It's just hard when you've fully committed yourself to someone, expecting for that commitment to be for life, and it's thrown back in your face with silence, selfishness and excuses.

But I don't want to be angry and bitter and hurt and resentful... I want to celebrate the joy in what I do have rather then fixate on what I do not.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Monday morning.

I went for a run this morning and at the end I noticed a lot of commotion on the street ahead. It appeared a dog had been hit by a car.

As I ran closer, I noticed a grey pitbull up on a hill. It ran towards me like it wanted to play and one of the women nearby with the dead dog let out a bloodcurdling scream. The pitbull ran away and as I got closer she told me the pitbull ha just attacked and killed the dead dog.

Needless to say I called animal control even though the pitbull had tags. How tragic that people let their vicious dogs loose. I've been thinking all morning what woul have happened if the dog had gotten closer to me...


-- Post From My iPhone

Tower Climb Results

I came in FOURTH in my age group!! My official time was 23:09.1

193 overall, but not too shabby for no training! Next up, a 5k!

St. Marteen

Say hello my newest must-visit destination: St. Marteen!

If you know me at all, the video will explain why.

C25K

Even though I didn't get to bed until pretty late last night I woke up at 8 am this morning (before my alarm went off) and was excited to get out of bed and go for a run. After the run/climb yesterday I felt so energized... like I've only experienced after a really good yoga class. I've always hated running before, but for the first time I wanted to do more.

My brother told me about this program yesterday called Couch to 5k, or C25K. Basically its a program for people who don't work out to be running a 5k within 9 weeks. I looked at the online version, but since I don't have a watch I can use while running I started checking out iPhone podcasts. Then I ran across the app... you run your own music, it keeps time for you and has the workouts all laid out and it tells you when to switch. Even thought $3 is a little hefty for me for an iPhone app, I bought it and tried it out this morning.

I started running without any specific route in mind and was pleasantly surprised when it told me I had hit the halfway mark so I was able to start heading back. Turns out in the 30 mins I managed to jog/walk 3.12 miles today... a 5k! I also had a 5 minute walk back to my apartment once it ended, but that put me on pace for a 11 min/mile which isn't too bad considering I haven't done any serious running (minus yesterday) since I was a senior in high school.

I'm going to see if there are any 5k runs starting in May, but if not I'll probably have to wait until September or October... there aren't many runs during the summer here! There's also another climb in May, only 32 flights (instead of the 90 I did yesterday) so I'm considering doing that.

Today I really hate apple.

I knew I shouldn't have bothered trying to sync my phone... I've been fighting for 4 hours with my phone (not to erase everything on it before I can get it off) and with iTunes (freezes every 10 mins... I just updated it, wtf?). The iPhone is fun, but I don't really know if its worth all the trouble.

Not to mention Apple's routers suck.

I guess you could say I'm a PC. Today more than ever.

Cherry blossoms

Cherry trees blooming in Vancouver. Some days I miss it SO much.

via.

Tower climb!

Woke up this morning at 5:30 to participate in the 25th Cystic Fibrosis Tower run.

I don't know my time yet, but I think I ran the tower climb in a little over 20 minutes. All I have to say is I wish I'd trained more...

The mile was the hardest part for me. I started off well but since I mostly abhor running, the bulk of my group started passing me. Once we got into the tower to start climbing the 952 stairs to the top, I was able to pass up a lot of the girls that had flown by me earlier.

It's really foggy today so I wasn't able to take a picture from the top, but here I am after the run. I'm proud of myself for completing it... maybe next up a 5k!

Breakeven.

"They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even"

- The Script

I've hard a lot of good days lately. In fact today was shaping up to be an awesome day... then sometimes it just hits me. I get so angry and bitter. Angry that he just stopped talking to me one day... broke my heart with no explanation and bitter knowing that it doesn't matter to him... that I was left with having to put the pieces back together. I should have seen it coming, but I've never had anybody break my heart before. Next time I won't be so naive.

I suspect the reason for why it still gets to me is because deep down inside somewhere I'm not letting go. It's like I'm staring into Pandora's box where hope is sitting patiently... but I need to let hope go. It's been months, if he didn't already have a new girl he probably does now and I'm kidding myself thinking he'll ever talk to me again, much less give me any kind of closure or anything at all.

So on that note, I'm letting this hope I've been desperately holding on to go free... and I pray freeing myself in the process.

MOVING

I put in notice at my apartment complex today. I feel so FREE.

When my lease is up I will officially no longer be an 09er. I'll be closer to my friends, hopefully in a bigger place with a lower rent. I hate feeling tied down by leases, but maybe just this once it won't be so bad to stick around for awhile? I feel as though I'm beginning to be who I want to be.

Something to look forward to...

That one day I will find a love like this.

Dream Camera

Canon EOS Rebel XS

Digital SLR for beginners... Wonder if I can manage to sock away $500 (+ tax + memory card + replacement plan) before Australia?

Photog

This is a post I've been meaning to do for a few days... I found out one of my favorite wedding photographer is no longer doing weddings which is sad. Not that I would have been needing her services, but still a sad day for the wedding photography industry...

But she was also very expensive. Then I thought to myself, just as I shouldn't have to feel embarrassed by the fact that I love wedding photography, I shouldn't have to feel guilty about wanting a damn good photographer at my wedding someday. I don't need 12 hrs of coverage and 50k+ photos but when that day comes for me, I want the photos to be beautiful. I hope that I never opt to go into debt over a wedding, but I do think I'd make a number of sacrifices for the photographer. (Note to self: restart saving...)

Maybe its just because I love art and photography so much that its important to me, but I do hope the man I eventually marry can embrace that part of me.

Airheads + Percy Jackson

Equals no self control for me. Why do I even tempt myself if I know that I always eat things I buy?? And I was SO good today... I didn't eat a paczki for Mardi Gras, no Big Lou's or cupcakes for Stacy's birthday, but then I eat a whole bag of Percy Jackson Airheads. At least I can console myself that I worked out today. My core aches.

Sunday.

Not a bad Sunday overall... I woke up at about 9:30, made breakfast, watched the Vancouver Olympic Opening Ceremonies, watched a movie and then started cleaning my apartment--a deep clean that I haven't done in months--have done my laundry, gotten a little reading in, burned some old memories (very cathartic considering today AND that I'm not allowed chocolate or alcohol) and headed to the grocery store to hopefully survive week 2 of this diet phase.

I haven't followed it as closely or been as dedicated as I should be, but I have noticed results, which is always refreshing. Bored out of my mind with the food options though. I spent $72 at the grocery store which feels like a LOT to me. But I bought a huge thing of mixed nuts for $10, a large bag of cheese sticks, some mozzarella, various extracts, Splenda, little cans of V8, little peanut butters to go, and things like that. Hopefully this will set me up for the last week of Phase 1 to be successful and for me not to be so bored with the food and so likely to stray as I have been.

Although as soon as I'm finished, I'm eating a doughnut and some pizza. Heck yes.

Shamrock Ninja

Who wants to get me this little guy for my desk??

Shamrock Ninja from Lilley's Etsy Shop

2009 Taxes

I did both my US and Canadian tax returns this morning because the LAST people I want to mess with are the IRS and CRA... you know what they say about death and taxes.

The good news here is that I should be receiving a return of over $1,000 between the two. Thank you free tax preparation software. After I file these, I shouldn't have the worry about the CRA for a while and I'm fairly basic as far as the IRS goes, so I will be okay for the next few years. Next up is a massive scanning marathon with all this paperwork.

I'm deciding what to do with the refund. I mostly likely will apply it to my Roth IRA since I did NOT max it out last year... that is so important to me and it stressed me out looking at how small my number is this year. With the financial reshuffle I have coming up I should be able to put more towards it...

Maybe I will also take like $100 and do something fun, like go to SeaWorld. I've lived here close to a year and I haven't been, which is ridiculous because I love aquariums.

Thoughts from my only reader?

Weekend, Rd 2

It's hard when it finally hits that the life I've been looking forward to for the past couple of years is never going to happen. I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day as a holiday, but its also never hit me so hard as how alone I feel when everyone around me is getting flowers and gifts... people are holding hands at the movie theatre and I realize I am very, very alone with only my own thoughts and assumptions as to why.

My family and friends have been really great, but its just a different kind of lonliness I don't think I've ever really felt before.

But I guess on the bright side, once I get past my birthday I'll have survived every major holiday as a single person and next year can only get better, right?

And then as I'm searching for a photo to accompany this post, I run across this photo and I'm reminded that things have a way of working out like they're supposed to...

(source)

Weekend.

(source)

"You shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But, if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

-- An 8-year-old child