The courage of the seed

(source)

"As a seed buried in the earth cannot imagine itself as an orchid or hyacinth, neither can a heart packed with hurt imagine itself loved or at peace. The courage of the seed is that once cracking, it cracks all the way." - Mark Nepo

"Ruin in the road to transformation." - Eat, Pray, Love

I "liked" this Tiny Buddha post (Finding Joy in the Ruins of a Crushed Dream) on Google Reader yesterday, not knowing that a mere twelve hours later as I bawled my eyes out to one of my best friends--who just happened to be visiting for the night-- that I could take a ton of wisdom from the post.

I have learned so many lessons from this experience. Here are the top four I’d like to share:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Sometimes, things have to get a whole lot worse before they can get a whole lot better.
3. You create your world with what you choose to think, say, and do.
4. ‘Ruin is the road to transformation.’

December just doesn't seem to be my month... ever.  But I survived the last one, I will survive this one.  I've prayed for so long asking for a sign or for anything, and last night I got my big, blinking neon sign.  Message received.

12. Keep it simple.

12. Keep it simple.

Often times I find myself making everything too complicated.  Complication is not synonymous with better.  

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” - Hans Hofmann

Changes.

I think about my future puppy all the time.

For awhile I thought it was a little pathetic.  And I guess to outsiders, it probably is.  But the truth of the matter is, I've made a completely life changing decision.  This isn't a haircut, a new diet or even a new apartment... he is a living, breathing thing that needs the be cared for and loved.  This is over a decade of commitment. I will no longer be able to just leave for the night or weekend.  I can't stay out too late after work.  I will have something waiting at home, depending on me and relying on me to be there. But on the other side, I will have something to go home to.  I'll have a pet that gives me unconditional love.  It's a big commitment, but for the past 6 months plus I've thought about it and considered it, and now it's finally becoming real.

So like I said, I think about my puppy all the time.  When I go to Target and see small fleece blankets on sale, 2 for $5, I think, "Blankets are on my puppy list."  When I see special Christmas toys, I think, "Toys are on my puppy list."  I read nutrition info on dog food/treats and wander around the pet store.  I research (and have since purchased) different collar/leash/harness ensembles. I check the price of Greenies and check how big a litre food bowl really is.  I think about things like making sure my future pet gets enough calcium and vitamin D after he comes home with me. This is becoming very, very real.

And I know I sounds mostly crazy, because I don't yet have the pup.  But it's a huge change for me and my life, and being the perfectionist I am, I want to make sure I am completely ready.  And I think I will be within the next month when he's ready to come home with me.

I've been told he's mischievous.  He manages to get himself into places he can't get out of yet because his eyes still aren't open.  He's an only child (his littermates died after a few days) so he's spoiled by of all six adult dogs he lives with.  He likes to sing in the morning and cries when he's left alone at night.  He's a tiny guy with his own, very vibrant personality.

So it's a big life change, but one I can't wait to embark on.

My little guy!

At two weeks... He's so tiny!!

Big News

I'm getting a puppy!!

(not my dog.)

He is a Shih Tzu, white with black spots that I've been told will fade after the puppy stage and he will end up being mostly white.  Since he was only born last Monday, it'll be another 6 or 7 weeks before he's ready.  She thinks I'll be able to take him before Christmas, which would be perfect because it will allow me a lot of bonding time with the little guy over the holidays!

Tuesday.

I went back and read some of my old journals today... my really old ones.

It makes me sad that the writer I was then has completely disappeared.  The girl I was then managed to make me feel things I haven't felt in 7 years... I could remember exactly what I was feeling as I wrote each entry so long ago. The beauty of the human body is that although it can remember pain, it can never again feel that again.  I can remember that it hurt, but I can't remember the exact feeling.  I don't know where that girl went... who can remind me of pain so many years later, but I would guess that sometime over the past 6-7 years she grew up.

I couldn't stop crying tonight... yes, my old self was worried about typical teenage things like image, college, school and boys (and yes, in that order)... but when I wrote about things like "Stacy is still alive" as something I was grateful for that day and "Stacy is feeling better despite chemo" and "Stacy graduated today!" it absolutely breaks my heart. At the time, I considered her a really good friend and now I don't even think about it... or her. She was the first friend of mine to pass away and I feel ashamed of myself that I give the insignificant things in my life more than the the girl who helped remind me to be more thankful for every day at that point in my life.

Even though, in many ways, I was so much more shallow then, I was also so much more grateful.  I believed in life, I believed in love, I believed in every day and I believed in God.  When did I lose myself?