End of February

"If you love somebody, you have to love all of them... not just the parts that are easy to love." - Valentine's Day

Had a wonderful, wonderful weekend. The hockey team won. The Spurs beat the Suns (although I must admit I love their jerseys... PHX in the front of an orange and grey jersey. I'm not a Suns fan but I could become one for that jersey). I got to spend time with an old friend or two and made several new ones. I found a wonderful non-smoking bar. To top it all off I went to see Valentine's Day... I laughed a lot, I felt a little sad at times, but if feels good to know that I haven't lost all hope. That I can still watch a romantic movie and feel hopeful. I'll take that as a good sign.

Tomorrow starts March... the month of my birthday and favorite holiday. This week I will be travelling a lot... flying home Tuesday and then heading to Austin on Friday. The weather has warmed up and I'm happy that I'm not having to run in below freezing temperatures.

It was a good week :)

Dreaming about a new car...

Sometime in the next several years I'm expecting my poor little car to poop out on me. Hopefully it won't, but it's always a possibility. I really need to save up at least a couple thousand dollars before then for a down payment... hopefully it'll be more like 5 years from now, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm also shooting for a good used vehicle so save a lot of extra on car payments.

At any rate, the Ford Fusion Hybrid is what I'm eying right now. I really love my car now, which is a Ford, and this one appears to be doing really well so far!

Silence

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

- 1 Corinthians 13:7

I feel incredibly down right now. There's no reason for it... I had a good day at work, I'm feeling optimistic about the future. But I heard from him yesterday and I responded badly. Even though I waited hours to allow my self some time to calm down and think about it, I will still angry and bitter in my response. Even worse is that I haven't heard back... I never do. Its always a hard reminder that I really don't matter.

After two years I would have thought I deserved more than repeated silence, but I didn't even get a real breakup or a real goodbye.... so I don't know why I should continually hope for more.

I guess I can count this as further proof that I can stop holding my breath and start getting on with my life. It's just hard when you've fully committed yourself to someone, expecting for that commitment to be for life, and it's thrown back in your face with silence, selfishness and excuses.

But I don't want to be angry and bitter and hurt and resentful... I want to celebrate the joy in what I do have rather then fixate on what I do not.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Monday morning.

I went for a run this morning and at the end I noticed a lot of commotion on the street ahead. It appeared a dog had been hit by a car.

As I ran closer, I noticed a grey pitbull up on a hill. It ran towards me like it wanted to play and one of the women nearby with the dead dog let out a bloodcurdling scream. The pitbull ran away and as I got closer she told me the pitbull ha just attacked and killed the dead dog.

Needless to say I called animal control even though the pitbull had tags. How tragic that people let their vicious dogs loose. I've been thinking all morning what woul have happened if the dog had gotten closer to me...


-- Post From My iPhone

Tower Climb Results

I came in FOURTH in my age group!! My official time was 23:09.1

193 overall, but not too shabby for no training! Next up, a 5k!

St. Marteen

Say hello my newest must-visit destination: St. Marteen!

If you know me at all, the video will explain why.

C25K

Even though I didn't get to bed until pretty late last night I woke up at 8 am this morning (before my alarm went off) and was excited to get out of bed and go for a run. After the run/climb yesterday I felt so energized... like I've only experienced after a really good yoga class. I've always hated running before, but for the first time I wanted to do more.

My brother told me about this program yesterday called Couch to 5k, or C25K. Basically its a program for people who don't work out to be running a 5k within 9 weeks. I looked at the online version, but since I don't have a watch I can use while running I started checking out iPhone podcasts. Then I ran across the app... you run your own music, it keeps time for you and has the workouts all laid out and it tells you when to switch. Even thought $3 is a little hefty for me for an iPhone app, I bought it and tried it out this morning.

I started running without any specific route in mind and was pleasantly surprised when it told me I had hit the halfway mark so I was able to start heading back. Turns out in the 30 mins I managed to jog/walk 3.12 miles today... a 5k! I also had a 5 minute walk back to my apartment once it ended, but that put me on pace for a 11 min/mile which isn't too bad considering I haven't done any serious running (minus yesterday) since I was a senior in high school.

I'm going to see if there are any 5k runs starting in May, but if not I'll probably have to wait until September or October... there aren't many runs during the summer here! There's also another climb in May, only 32 flights (instead of the 90 I did yesterday) so I'm considering doing that.

Today I really hate apple.

I knew I shouldn't have bothered trying to sync my phone... I've been fighting for 4 hours with my phone (not to erase everything on it before I can get it off) and with iTunes (freezes every 10 mins... I just updated it, wtf?). The iPhone is fun, but I don't really know if its worth all the trouble.

Not to mention Apple's routers suck.

I guess you could say I'm a PC. Today more than ever.

Cherry blossoms

Cherry trees blooming in Vancouver. Some days I miss it SO much.

via.

Tower climb!

Woke up this morning at 5:30 to participate in the 25th Cystic Fibrosis Tower run.

I don't know my time yet, but I think I ran the tower climb in a little over 20 minutes. All I have to say is I wish I'd trained more...

The mile was the hardest part for me. I started off well but since I mostly abhor running, the bulk of my group started passing me. Once we got into the tower to start climbing the 952 stairs to the top, I was able to pass up a lot of the girls that had flown by me earlier.

It's really foggy today so I wasn't able to take a picture from the top, but here I am after the run. I'm proud of myself for completing it... maybe next up a 5k!

Breakeven.

"They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even"

- The Script

I've hard a lot of good days lately. In fact today was shaping up to be an awesome day... then sometimes it just hits me. I get so angry and bitter. Angry that he just stopped talking to me one day... broke my heart with no explanation and bitter knowing that it doesn't matter to him... that I was left with having to put the pieces back together. I should have seen it coming, but I've never had anybody break my heart before. Next time I won't be so naive.

I suspect the reason for why it still gets to me is because deep down inside somewhere I'm not letting go. It's like I'm staring into Pandora's box where hope is sitting patiently... but I need to let hope go. It's been months, if he didn't already have a new girl he probably does now and I'm kidding myself thinking he'll ever talk to me again, much less give me any kind of closure or anything at all.

So on that note, I'm letting this hope I've been desperately holding on to go free... and I pray freeing myself in the process.

MOVING

I put in notice at my apartment complex today. I feel so FREE.

When my lease is up I will officially no longer be an 09er. I'll be closer to my friends, hopefully in a bigger place with a lower rent. I hate feeling tied down by leases, but maybe just this once it won't be so bad to stick around for awhile? I feel as though I'm beginning to be who I want to be.

Something to look forward to...

That one day I will find a love like this.

Dream Camera

Canon EOS Rebel XS

Digital SLR for beginners... Wonder if I can manage to sock away $500 (+ tax + memory card + replacement plan) before Australia?

Photog

This is a post I've been meaning to do for a few days... I found out one of my favorite wedding photographer is no longer doing weddings which is sad. Not that I would have been needing her services, but still a sad day for the wedding photography industry...

But she was also very expensive. Then I thought to myself, just as I shouldn't have to feel embarrassed by the fact that I love wedding photography, I shouldn't have to feel guilty about wanting a damn good photographer at my wedding someday. I don't need 12 hrs of coverage and 50k+ photos but when that day comes for me, I want the photos to be beautiful. I hope that I never opt to go into debt over a wedding, but I do think I'd make a number of sacrifices for the photographer. (Note to self: restart saving...)

Maybe its just because I love art and photography so much that its important to me, but I do hope the man I eventually marry can embrace that part of me.

Airheads + Percy Jackson

Equals no self control for me. Why do I even tempt myself if I know that I always eat things I buy?? And I was SO good today... I didn't eat a paczki for Mardi Gras, no Big Lou's or cupcakes for Stacy's birthday, but then I eat a whole bag of Percy Jackson Airheads. At least I can console myself that I worked out today. My core aches.

Sunday.

Not a bad Sunday overall... I woke up at about 9:30, made breakfast, watched the Vancouver Olympic Opening Ceremonies, watched a movie and then started cleaning my apartment--a deep clean that I haven't done in months--have done my laundry, gotten a little reading in, burned some old memories (very cathartic considering today AND that I'm not allowed chocolate or alcohol) and headed to the grocery store to hopefully survive week 2 of this diet phase.

I haven't followed it as closely or been as dedicated as I should be, but I have noticed results, which is always refreshing. Bored out of my mind with the food options though. I spent $72 at the grocery store which feels like a LOT to me. But I bought a huge thing of mixed nuts for $10, a large bag of cheese sticks, some mozzarella, various extracts, Splenda, little cans of V8, little peanut butters to go, and things like that. Hopefully this will set me up for the last week of Phase 1 to be successful and for me not to be so bored with the food and so likely to stray as I have been.

Although as soon as I'm finished, I'm eating a doughnut and some pizza. Heck yes.

Shamrock Ninja

Who wants to get me this little guy for my desk??

Shamrock Ninja from Lilley's Etsy Shop

2009 Taxes

I did both my US and Canadian tax returns this morning because the LAST people I want to mess with are the IRS and CRA... you know what they say about death and taxes.

The good news here is that I should be receiving a return of over $1,000 between the two. Thank you free tax preparation software. After I file these, I shouldn't have the worry about the CRA for a while and I'm fairly basic as far as the IRS goes, so I will be okay for the next few years. Next up is a massive scanning marathon with all this paperwork.

I'm deciding what to do with the refund. I mostly likely will apply it to my Roth IRA since I did NOT max it out last year... that is so important to me and it stressed me out looking at how small my number is this year. With the financial reshuffle I have coming up I should be able to put more towards it...

Maybe I will also take like $100 and do something fun, like go to SeaWorld. I've lived here close to a year and I haven't been, which is ridiculous because I love aquariums.

Thoughts from my only reader?

Weekend, Rd 2

It's hard when it finally hits that the life I've been looking forward to for the past couple of years is never going to happen. I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day as a holiday, but its also never hit me so hard as how alone I feel when everyone around me is getting flowers and gifts... people are holding hands at the movie theatre and I realize I am very, very alone with only my own thoughts and assumptions as to why.

My family and friends have been really great, but its just a different kind of lonliness I don't think I've ever really felt before.

But I guess on the bright side, once I get past my birthday I'll have survived every major holiday as a single person and next year can only get better, right?

And then as I'm searching for a photo to accompany this post, I run across this photo and I'm reminded that things have a way of working out like they're supposed to...

(source)

Weekend.

(source)

"You shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But, if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

-- An 8-year-old child

Go Canada! (and doughnuts)

Who doesn't love doughnuts? Especially Canadian ones!

(source)

Just a little spring amid all the rain

Would be nice to have a bouquet of these sitting on my desk right now...

(source)

Worth a thousand werds

Via the Mudflats

If it's going to snow...

It'd be nice if it looked like this and not the muddy mess I know it'll be.

(source)

Mi manca l'Italia...

Via Manzoni, Milan.

(source)

Five

Five of my favorite Project Runway contestants.

Daniel Vosovic

Jillian Lewis and Rami Kashou

Christian Siriano

Kenley Collins

Four

Four makeup products I use all the time.

Stila Runway Palette

Nars Eyeliner

Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer

Diorshow Mascara

Three

Three famous women who inspire me in one way or another.

Miranda Kerr

Heidi Klum

Delta Goodrem

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

"And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving."

- Postal Service

It's hard not to blame myself. Sometimes I wonder what is so wrong with me that I'm not worth fighting for... Or even a real goodbye.

I've been having great days... I feel happy and like I can conquer the world. But then the sun goes down and the doubts resurface and I just can't seem to escape my fears.

Two

Two paintings I love that couldn't be more different.

No. 14 (Rothko)

The Astronomer (Vermeer)

One

One movie I own that I can watch all the time.

Casino Royale