"When it rains, I don't mind being lonely..."

"...I cry right along with the sky. When it rains, I don't have to pretend to be happy I don't even have to try..."

I'm not really sad, the weather is just perfect. I love when its all cloudy and threatens to rain for days before it actually does. I don't have to pretend to be happy, I actually am.

I feel like I should probably write about things with more substance than how I'm feeling or what is going on in my life but I just have no real desire to. I feel like the past few months have been an emotional roller coaster which I'm still trying to get off of every day, but each day the end seems closer and closer. I'm thankful that I'm not the kind of person to sit around and dwell on what's gone forever. When I'm done with something, I'm done with it and I never look back. New chapters are never easy, but far easier without constantly going back to the previous ones.

More random musings from my random mind. Maybe when I don't feel like I have to censor everything that I say then my posts will be less opaque, but right now it still hurts if I think too much so I'd rather not. I'd rather focus on the positive and look toward the future. I'm twenty-three, I'm too young for there not to be hope and happiness in the future.

"Happyness?"

Today I was contemplating one of my favorite quotes from The Pursuit of Happyness... "You want something? Go get it. Period."

Despite my lack up happy updates lately, things haven't really been so terrible. I have my family and friends--new and old--who love me, a job that I continue to enjoy more every day and a whole world of possibilities out there.

I'm participating in the 25th Cystic Fibrosis Tower Climb, where a team of us are going to run a mile then climb 930-something steps, approximately 90 flights of stairs. We agreed to do it competitively so we can be timed and we'll start training next week.

Also, tomorrow is the big event which I am so excited to get to attend! It will be nice to meet a lot of the people I talk to every day.

Finally, we had the great migration at work today and are happily settled into our permanent spaces. I've gained more responsibilities and can't wait for the opportunity to start working on that next week... Today is a good day and who knows what tomorrow holds, but I know this too shall pass.

Awesome edible crayons...

From Luxirare. I love these... they definitely brightened my day this morning. That in addition to some other big news at work!

via.

Random Musings

What happens when my body's exhausted because I don't sleep, yet my mind is still in overdrive? My random musings....

I wonder how high my Google Reader unread count can get because it stops functioning and/or starts deleting on me. There's two categories I can't bring myself to read, yet can't bring myself to delete because of all the time and effort I put into finding great blogs in those categories. So, I guess until I decide what I do I'll just see how high I can get my count. Currently sitting at around 700 lovely.

On nights like tonight when I can't get to sleep, I start to over-analyze the life decisions I've made the past several years and its hard to say what would have happened and if I could have changed anything. But all in all, I have a lot to be thankful for. Despite some of the more recent challenges, I find new happinesses every day. I know that each day, I have to wake up and slay my own personal dragons.

The hardest part is not blaming myself. It's so hard to not feel responsible for all the unhappiness and pain in my life right now, but I know all over the world people have experienced far worse and survived... "I remember thinking... how could something so beautiful survive in a place with so much despair and ugliness?"

I picked a topic!

So its been over a week since I decided I needed a topic for 2010... and the winner is:

Mythology/Fantasy!

I want to study various mythologies such as Norse, Greek, Roman, etc as well as their impact on the genre we currently know as fantasy. You know, dragons, mages/wizards, dwarves, vampires, etc, etc. There are some movies coming out and some TV shows I've watched in the past (namely the Valentines which is now sadly cancelled) which fall into the mythology category. It's extremely fascinating.

I'm pretty excited. I think I'll probably start with Wikipedia and go from there... I have a couple of book series to read, such as Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan and I need to finish the Sword of Truth series.

Also, yesterday my retirement accounts officially went over $10,000. That amount of money in savings is such a huge milestone for me and it seems like such a huge step towards my financial goals. I still have my debts (which some schools of thoughts should be dealt with before my retirement funds) but I feel so motivated by knowing I reached a huge milestone in my savings.

Finally, I will leave with one last thought... One of my favorite websites, Tiny Buddha, had today's quote of the day as:

"Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest." -Sri Chinmoy

So today, I decided another goal for 2010, my new years resolution if you will, is to forgive everything. Holding grudges and anger inside isn't going to solve anything and it certainly won't make me happier. So I'll try my best to practice forgiveness at all times.

On the corner of E. Houston...

I love this new artwork from my favorite blog find of 2009. Does anyone want to give me a gift?

Research for 2010

Another mostly uneventful day for Day 2 of the newest decade. After my little meltdown last night today was much calmer... I watched the most recent episode of White Collar and the movie Julie & Julia while contemplating life.

I want to spend the year learning about a particular subject. Which subject, I haven't yet decided... do I pick a region, such as Australia, Antartica or Ieland?; a time period, such as Tudor England or the second Crusade?; or any historical person, time or event, such as the Bolsheviks, Ugandan dictators, the Medici, F. Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald? Maybe something like folk stories and fairy tales or Scotland Yard? Or maybe instead of something historical, I learn a skill such as bird watching, cooking, roasting my own coffee, or coding/programming? The possibilities are endless.

The year would consist of reading various books and articles and watching movies--from drama to documentary--and possibly even taking an educational course about whatever subject I ultimately decide on.

My indecision is showing again... I have a world of subjects to choose from, but I think its a case of TOO much to choose from. I don't want to make a mistake on what I choose. So over the next week I will contemplate my options, narrow it down to two or three and ultimately choose from there.

Late night musings

For such a momentous occasion, 2010 arrived without much fanfare and without much pretense. I've been reflecting back on the past year... last year at this time I was in Vancouver with my friends at the coffee shop. Things were simple. I had a job that never extended into my personal life, I was in love, I was living in a city I loved, each day felt like a gift, and most of all, despite my confusion and lack of focus on the future, when I look back to where I was December 2008, one thing sticks out brightly in my memories... the happiness. I was happy.

Fast forward twelve months and I don't ever see that girl anymore. I have a good 9 to 5, I've found friends here who are amazing, but I'm still just as lost and confused as ever. It almost seems like the last year has been a state of steady decline, despite achieving so many things I always wanted, thinking they would make me happier... but nothing is simple anymore.

The nights are the worst. During the day its easy to go on about my business, put on a smile and pretend like everything is fine. But at night sometimes the loneliness is overpowering and I feel like my heart might explode from the pain. Some nights I can't stop the tears until sleep mercifully takes me away.

I keep waiting for the light in the darkness to appear... the quiet whisper of "This too shall pass."