Grateful.

I got a piece of news today that several months ago would have made me feel indignant.  I would have felt angry, upset and just plain wronged.  I waited for all those feelings and more to kick in, so that I could tell myself again that it's for the best...

But then they didn't kick in... and I realized that instead of angry, I was feeling peace and acceptance.  That I'm finally past this--life lived, experience gained and lessons learned--and I am happy.  Things have ways of working out like they're supposed to and I am happy and thankful and grateful for that.

And when I say that, I can't help but think of American Beauty, when Lester says: "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."

Right now I can't feel anything but gratitude because I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, and how can I be angry about that?  And for that, I am grateful.

(photo: source.)

Life.

I've been thinking a lot about life lately.  Well, I think about life all the time.  I think about where I've been, I think about where I am now and sometimes I like to think about where I might be going.

I've had a lot of nights lately that have kept me awake at night in anticipation, because I can't help but being so excited for the future.  What's next?  Here be dragons.

All you who are weary...

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

Nothing less than butterflies

Based on the day, part of me wanted to write a post ranting on the past and recent injustices that I felt have happened to me.  But then I realized that it's just the pain and exhaustion talking... I'm not angry and things work out like they are supposed to.  Then I thought about something an old friend told me seven (?) years ago.  I was searching for this particular quote and ran across some old writings of mine... some made me cry, some made me laugh and some reminded me of my favorite songs I forgot even existed.  I was going to post some of my favorites... but maybe another time.

However, here is the one I was looking for from Feb 20, 2004 (although I know the wisdom predates that by some time):

"don't settle for less than the most amazing person, that person who steals your heart but throws his right back at you, the guy who won't make you cry, but wipes your tears and holds you while you do."


A reminder to get back to my hope that there be nothing less than butterflies.

January

I've been thinking a lot about January lately.

It seems like December is always a rough month for me and I don't know why.  I always want to end the year with a bang but something (seemingly) disastrous happens and I somehow survive the end of the year and make it to the next.  This year is not that catastrophic, and it will be the month this year where I have a new addition to the family.... but December exhausts me.

And so I've already been considering January and 2011.  I think I want to make 2011 a year of health: Physical health, mental health, financial health.

In January, physical health will be my shoulder surgery and beginning the long process back to full shoulder mobility; mental health will be re-reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and possibly putting my own happiness project to work... I've already started it but need to implement more; and financial health will be re-implementing "No Buy Month."

For "No Buy Month" I'm not allowed to purchase anything that I don't need.  Since it will be after the holidays, I will allow myself to spend gift cards, but aside from food, bills, puppy products & household necessities, I will not be making any unnecessary purchases with my paycheck.  I realized today that I can have all of my debt paid off in under two years while greatly increasing my retirement accounts if I just get serious about it.  I have a goal to have $100,000 in retirement by the time I'm 30, but at this rate it definitely won't be happening.  I need to stop flaking and purchasing unnecessary items and get my act together!

So there it is... now I have something to look forward to while I finish out the last two weeks of an absolutely miserable month. And hopefully will be getting puppy on Saturday!  Co-worker said he's drinking water and eating solid food, so he's ready to go!!

The courage of the seed

(source)

"As a seed buried in the earth cannot imagine itself as an orchid or hyacinth, neither can a heart packed with hurt imagine itself loved or at peace. The courage of the seed is that once cracking, it cracks all the way." - Mark Nepo

"Ruin in the road to transformation." - Eat, Pray, Love

I "liked" this Tiny Buddha post (Finding Joy in the Ruins of a Crushed Dream) on Google Reader yesterday, not knowing that a mere twelve hours later as I bawled my eyes out to one of my best friends--who just happened to be visiting for the night-- that I could take a ton of wisdom from the post.

I have learned so many lessons from this experience. Here are the top four I’d like to share:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Sometimes, things have to get a whole lot worse before they can get a whole lot better.
3. You create your world with what you choose to think, say, and do.
4. ‘Ruin is the road to transformation.’

December just doesn't seem to be my month... ever.  But I survived the last one, I will survive this one.  I've prayed for so long asking for a sign or for anything, and last night I got my big, blinking neon sign.  Message received.

12. Keep it simple.

12. Keep it simple.

Often times I find myself making everything too complicated.  Complication is not synonymous with better.  

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” - Hans Hofmann

Tuesday.

I went back and read some of my old journals today... my really old ones.

It makes me sad that the writer I was then has completely disappeared.  The girl I was then managed to make me feel things I haven't felt in 7 years... I could remember exactly what I was feeling as I wrote each entry so long ago. The beauty of the human body is that although it can remember pain, it can never again feel that again.  I can remember that it hurt, but I can't remember the exact feeling.  I don't know where that girl went... who can remind me of pain so many years later, but I would guess that sometime over the past 6-7 years she grew up.

I couldn't stop crying tonight... yes, my old self was worried about typical teenage things like image, college, school and boys (and yes, in that order)... but when I wrote about things like "Stacy is still alive" as something I was grateful for that day and "Stacy is feeling better despite chemo" and "Stacy graduated today!" it absolutely breaks my heart. At the time, I considered her a really good friend and now I don't even think about it... or her. She was the first friend of mine to pass away and I feel ashamed of myself that I give the insignificant things in my life more than the the girl who helped remind me to be more thankful for every day at that point in my life.

Even though, in many ways, I was so much more shallow then, I was also so much more grateful.  I believed in life, I believed in love, I believed in every day and I believed in God.  When did I lose myself?

11. Smile and laugh often.

11. Smile and laugh often.

As I mentioned in my previous post, this goes hand-in-hand with number 10.  Part of the way I'll try and lighten up is to find reasons to smile and laugh often.  Not just once in awhile.  I used to work with a girl who had this laugh that you could hear across the room, and not in a bad way. It made the whole room light up when she would laugh... which she often did because she was able to appreciate the little things.

So when something is funny, I will make the conscious effort to laugh out loud instead of giggle to myself.  When something makes me happy, I will smile whether or not anyone sees it.  I want there to be happiness and joy in the small things.

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy." - Thich Nhat Hanh

10. Lighten up.

10. Lighten up.

I've always been a fairly serious person... I have a difficult time taking jokes or finding the time to laugh, especially when stressed out or feeling pressure in some way.  So this is to remind me that life isn't serious... it's supposed to be full of mistakes, whimsy & laughter.  It's not about the destination but the journey, after all.

My 11th commandment goes hand-in-hand with this one, so I'll explore it a little more in the next post.  In the meantime, a quote from a song I've never listened to, but a friend of mine years ago used to say this all the time...

The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
- Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

9. Cultivate a sense of wonder.

9. Cultivate a sense of wonder.

"Anything looked at closely becomes wonderful." - A. R. Ammons

I feel that all too often I'm so absorbed in my daily life I fail to see all that is wonderful and amazing in the world. From simple things like the color purple and an act of kindness, to more momentous things such as natural/man-made wonders or the feeling of pure joy.  There are wonders everywhere, and I don't want to rush through life and fail to appreciate and enjoy them.  So number nine is to cultivate that sense of wonder, to find beauty and amazement every day.

"Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury

8. Do the right thing.

8. Do the right thing.

"Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Ever since the first time I heard this quote on the GOF trailer, it has given me chills because it is so true.  We all have choices every day where we either make the right choice or the easy choice... I want to always do the right thing, no matter how difficult that might be for me.

7. Choose a positive thought.

7. Choose a positive thought.

I'd like to think that for the most part I'm a pretty happy person, but at times I can be pretty negative and take a more pessimistic view.  I recently chose a new mantra that I posted on my monitor at work and wrote on my bathroom mirror... When things are feeling overwhelming, I just repeat to myself, "I will be grateful for this day."

I don't want the thoughts I send out into the universe to be negative, because negativity only breeds more negativity.  So when I'm feeling down or frustrated, I try and choose a positive thought.  And let it go...

"Like attracts like. Whatever the conscious mind thinks and believes the subconscious identically creates." - Brian Adams, How to Succeed

6. Be the change.

6. Be the change.

This comes from the well-know Gandhi quote: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

All too often I sit around waiting for other people to make changes that I'd like to see in the world.  This commandment is my reminder that no one else is going to do it if I don't.  I need to be my own change.

5. Look up.

5. Look up.

Number four has two parts.  The first is to remind myself to not focus so much on the task at hand. I know, I know... it seems completely counter-intuitive to tell myself to "be present" and then include this.  Yes, I want to be present in the moment, yet I also don't want to become some consumed by the task at hand that I forget to look up and see the stars.

The second part is that over the past several years (or so), I've had an internal battle with myself about things like faith, God and religion.  It's not really a secret to anyone that I have my issues and my doubts about things, wherever they may have come from, this also reminds me to thank someone up there/out there.  Whether it be God, the universe, karma, or any other force unknown... 

“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.” - Henry Van Dyke

4. Slow down.

4. Slow down.

For me this is all about taking the time to slow down and smell the flowers, so to speak.  Or notice the color purple.  Or any of those things I never take the time to do because I'm in such a hurry to get from point a to point b.  So this is my reminder to take a deep breath and slow down.

"Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you." - John De Paola

3. Just breathe.

3. Just breathe.

So this one is coming quite a bit later than I had intended after a crazy 10 days, but this one goes along with "Be present." This is to remind myself to take a deep breath and remember that everything will be okay when I am feeling frantic, stressed out or overwhelmed.

"There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside." - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

2. Be present.

2. Be present.

Now I am the first to admit that I'm not always in the present moment so this is to remind me to pay attention.  The moment is fleeting.

Lately I've become fascinated with the ancient Greek concept of Kairos (καιρός), or the supreme moment... an undetermined moment in time when something special happens.

If I'm not present, how will I recognize that moment?

1. Always shine.

1. Always shine.

My number one person commandment.  My version of "Be Gretchen."

I understand that saying to "always shine" is not quite the same thing as telling yourself to always be true to yourself... but in a way, it is for me.  It reminds me that there's that inner fire I've been missing that should always be shining and showing the outside world who I am.  And if it's not shining, it reminds me to "fake it till I make it."

Now to end with an often mis-attributed quote I love from Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."